also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
