She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
