I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Fuck me I smell like cheese
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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