Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize