your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
