i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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