dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Randomize
