As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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