I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
