I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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