everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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