I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
