did you get engaged???
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
