the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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