Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
