Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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