I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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