Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
