I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Randomize
