I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
