I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
