maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
