My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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