I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am midnight drunk by noon
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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