gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
