hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
