I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Randomize
