my phone needs a breathalizer
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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