I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
