We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
