I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
