Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
