Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
