Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
