got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
