I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
