please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
