Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
