...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
