Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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