separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
