I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
