I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
