Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
