Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
