I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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