Don't make out with my wife yet
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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