u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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