I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
