Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
